Tumble Leaf Party round 2

Rumble Leaf Tumble Leaf

She turned 2!

Play Date #2

 Buzz Butter and Honey cupcakes (my almond cake and honey frosting)

Beet Berry Cupcakes (strawberry box mix with added beet puree)

 Beet Berry Juice (Mixed Berry Juiceboxes)

 Drumsticks to make a beat so sweet!

Tumble Leaf Party!

Rumble Leaf Tumble Leaf

She turned 2!

Play Date #1

 Beet Berry Muffins and Milk

Tumble Leaf Barnacle DIY

Rumble Leaf Tumble Leaf it's a Barnacle Show How!

Does your little one LOVE Tumble Leaf as much as mine? Making it their birthday party/playdate theme?

Then you may also be wondering how to make those cute little Barnacles Fig scares as he slides down to his finding place.

Pinterest is not your buddy at the moment because there is only 1 season with the 2nd in the making of an Amazon Original. So not many people have ventured into making it all by hand yet!

Now, You've probably just figured pom-poms are good enough, and they are, but I have this little itch inside me to make it as close as I can to the real deal. 

Regular felting with water just seemed it would make these cute little fluff balls to dense. So Ifound needle felting.

*** I have never once played with Roving Wool or needle felting ever in my life! This was a whim and a "really hope this works on the first try" effort***

(it did if you are wondering)

SO EASY! 

Just pop in a show and go to town! I made about 15 in 2 episodes of Medium.

"Papa, Please Get The Moon For Me"

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY SELENE!

My sweet girl turned ONE last week and we just had her birthday party this weekend.

I just wanted to share some photos to help others possibly get some ideas for a less common themed party.

All photos taken by Jessi J Photography

I didn't get a good photo of her outfit I made for her, so I'll post one when I retake some photos this week.

 Tiny dancer had an outfit to match the birthday girl, naturally!

Fast 4th of July Shirt

     Forgot to grab your little one a shirt to celebrate the 4th? Have a white shirt/onsie and red and blue paint? Then you have the makings of a fast shirt!

Picture steps on the shirt I made for Selene's first 4th of July.

Father's day plans get jacked up and then saved by....

A 5lb Banana Cream Pie!

To celebrate  my husband's first Father's day I had grand plans of breakfast, matching custom shirts, frolicking where ever he wanted to go, banners and door wreaths, dinner and dessert.

Then I'm told less than a week before he had to play in the worship band on Sunday.

And then we were flat broke because I had an emergency dental visit on my birthday.

CRAP.

So there went breakfast, matching custom shirts, banners and wreaths. If you know me, you know that I love decorating, I love baking, I love CELEBRATING. I was already in a grumpy mood when nothing happened on my birthday because MY plans of Ihop breakfast and my birthday Starbucks didn't happen because and old filling weakened my tooth enough to cause a piece of it to break off and fly out of my mouth while of all things I was FLOSSING!  On top of that, my husband had made no plans of his own for my birthday, no artwork or crafts, no cards or flowers, no planning ahead.I also knew that he was not planning something for the weekend (my birthday was on Wednesday) as we had an all day wedding to be in on Saturday, which included the rehearsal Friday night, and Sunday was his day. I know he is like this, I've always known but for some reason I had it in my head this year would be different because it was my first birthday with a child I'm parenting. I've longed for these days since I placed my first daughter for adoption, to make up for time lost. This is the way I think, not so for my husband. SO I was grumpy and upset. Which make planning for his first father's day hard. Luckily I already had the plan, so I was just grumpy getting it together.

But as the week drew to an end, I got over being grumpy and on Sunday, I was happy to make my man happy!

What I did go with was a modified plan of matching shirts as he now had to wear a nice shirt instead of the screen printed shirts I was about to have done for him and Selene. I had a button up shirt that matched one of his button up shirts and I remembered a pin on Pinterest of turning a father's shirt into a dress for a little girl.

Well, the one I made didn't quite turn out as cute as this one. I'm no seamstress. The arm holes got me! So I will not being doing a show of how to do it. It did turn out okay and was cute enough to get the job done!  I even made myself a matching headband to match "the twins".  I kept is a surprise, and just put a note to "wear me" on his shirt that matched the night before.

 

Twinsies!

Seriously, I call her "Little Papa with a bow"

She is his spitting image!

A Little Love Goes a Long Way!

Father's Day

I started the celebrations a few days early for the father's in my Together Group. I love making and giving things to people I care about, and even to strangers, to help put a smile on their faces. You never know if it could be the only smile they had all day, all week, or all year. Even if they always smile, it could be a mask like I always wore my whole life. Plus making things for others also gives me joy, so a small part may be selfish reasons for giving, but I don't think that is a bad thing in and of itself. 

What I made for these fathers was simple. A soda and a small bag of popcorn. That's it. We are always told "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach", right?! My budget enjoyed it too as I had to pay for an emergency partial crown this past week (nothing like spending you birthday at the dentist), as each gift cost around $1! 

The key is presentation. I use Pinterest quite often, though if I'm baking food I tend to avoid things that are highly pinned among those I follow, even if I had the idea before I started looking through the pins. I had a basic idea of using soda to make a play on words with "Pop", so I looked through Father's Day pins and saw the "A&W rootbeer A&Wesome" pins. I'm not a fan of any rootbeer without caffeine, so that didn't get my interest. nothing really did as it was mainly geared towards the father of your kids, or your own father, and not a group of friends that are father's that you would like to honor. So what do I do next? why go walk to Target, naturally! (its dangerous living a 10 minute walk away from a Target. That is prime magnetic field zone!)

I came across Crush orange soda (I do, I do, I doo-ooo) in glass bottles and a cheesy line flickered on in the fog of a screaming, wiggly baby. I love chessy things. It cracks me up to no end. So I ran with it! Then I saw Angie's brand popcorn that had the word "Pop" on it. PERFECT! $12 bucks later I have the major componets of a gift. Now to spruce it up!

I don't have any graphic design skills. I can barely make things print properly. I also don't have one of those nice fancy cutter machines that I so desperately want (hint-hint, wink-wink).  Thank goodness for Avery.com and all of their labels and clipart, makes it go fast and easy to create your own labels.

Here is how I did it in no time:

•  I typed my cheesy line and then printed it out onto plain paper (you don't need to buy the actual sticker labels unless you want it to stick nicely). 
• I then cut out the circles and glued/tapes them onto small squares of scrap cardstock that I have. 
• Next I tied a piece of hemp string (from a previous project) around the bottle necks.
• Then I clipped the bag of popcorn and the note/label to the string with a mini clothes pin.

BAM! DONE!

Easy peasy! 

"You Crush it at being one cool POP!"

Get it?! Crush it?! Cool Pop?! 

(the soda was chilled in he fridge)

Oh How I crack myself up!

I know the guys loved it and the wives thought it was cute and sweet! so its a win win in my book!

 

 

anywho.....  

Next post will be up with my husband's first Father's Day gifts and recipe for a 5lb pie!!!!

5 minute DIY "LOVE" craft

Have a infant?

Don't have much time?

Still wanting to make something?

Well then, this craft if for you!

Selene's first Valentine's Day

It is as fast and easy as your infant will let it be! For their part all they have to do is get 1 foot painted at a time and pressed down. The other squares are simple and fast!

What else can we cram into November?

     This month has many things going for it. The list is long and each day in the month has a plethora of individual things as well.
The list includes:
Latin American Month
National American Indian & Alaska Native Heritage Month
National Epilepsy Month
National Red Ribbon Month (anti-drunkdriving)
National Stamp Collecting Month
National Georgia Pecan Month
National Pepper Month
National Hospice Month
National Peanut Butter Lover's Month
National Raisin Bread Month (mmmmmmmm)
National Diabetes Awareness Month (which the previous 2 can lead to, lol)
No Shave Novemeber
THANKSGIVING (keeping my maternity pants around just for this)

but most of all, the one closest to my heart is

National Adoption Awareness Month

     Most of everything you will read will be about protecting the orphans as God instructs us to do. You will also read a lot from adoptive parents and their struggles. Its good to find comradery and to get a feel of what it will be like to adopt. But I feel like that part of adoption is already so available to read and we should focus more on the adoptee themselves and the birthparents. Yes, of course I bias towards the birthparent aspect, but there are so many bad stereotypes about us floating around out there or we seem to be on a pedestal. Strangers view me as a recovered drug addict when they find out I placed my child for adoption and adoptive parents look at me like I have freakin angel wings and a small shed of tear in my eye. 

     People, we are normal everyday humans!! Not all of us are on crack and we could have raised our children, but there are many reasons why we are not. I'm also not a Saint. Yes, I made a family complete but I was only doing the best for my child, not because there are people who can't have a baby in the conventional way and I wanted to bless them. I also don't hold back my emotions, I become a hot mess on certain days when I think about my first daughter. There are also days where I *gasp* barely think of her. It has been 7 years people, I'm not so fresh. I don't beat myself up for that. Of course I always think of her (I have her pictures in every room) but its not the overwhelming "what have I done" as it was when I first placed her. 

     I also find some adoptive parents blog's rather annoying. Mainly because even though they say they are there for the birthparents, really they don't think twice about us other than the fact that we gave them their child. And then it becomes all "well I'm the one who raised her.... blah blah blah". Um HELLO we are not deadbeat dads that you are trying block form visitations until we cough up child support. We didn't abandon our child (though that is a valid emotion for adoptees to feel) so we could live how we want and sow our oats. Keep us in our child's life, even if it is through pictures and letters left at the agency. Even if your child's birthparents were cracked out whores, leave updates for us.

     Better yet, lets get the ball rolling on better laws all around. Give birthparents more time to choose to parent or place after they give birth. Let the babies go home with the birthparents for a night or two so they can really get a hold of their emotions and rethink why they are placing. WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CHANGE OUR MINDS and we are not horrible for doing so. Make promises adoptive parents make to keep in contact legally binding (I'm not saying the courts can take the child away for not keeping in contact, but maybe fine them each time?). SOOOOOO many birth moms that I know have shattered lives becasue what was promised to them was broken before the first year, hell lots the first month, after placement.

     EVEN BETTER, know someone who is thinking about placing? Why don't you come along side them instead of pushing or pulling either way and help them to get the all the help to be able to parent so they really can feel as if they are making the best possible choice for the child no matter what they decide. 

/end rant

 Well.... that must have been on my chest because I feel better about this month! ha!

Seriously though, adoption is great and I'm a big supporter, just wish there wasn't a need for it for everyone involved in the triad.

Birthdays just got a whole lot harder.

     Everything with my sweet Selene is going great. She is an awesome baby even if she doesn't like to be put down and fights her naps and staying asleep. I'm soaking up every minute of her. Most might think I'm going overboard and to be honest I probably am. But when I give her kisses and share her "firsts", I kiss her for my C as well. I wonder with every milestone, every celebratory month birthday just what was C like at those stages.

     Today brings about a new stage. 7 years ago today I brought forth into this world such a beautiful angel! How can this be?! How can it be 7 years already? Though I've physically spent time with her at 11 months old, 2 years old, and at 4 1/2, she should still be this tiny little babe when she was just all mine in the hospital. I used to laugh and roll my eyes at my mom when she would say I should still be a little girl to her. Now, I get it, I get her. I will forever be my mom's baby and my C will always be mine. Heck even Selene is growing to fast and she is only 11 weeks old!

     I was just starting to do well on C's birthdays. The past couple of years I've really been able to enjoy this day, celebrating it by myself. I had stopped bawling my eyes out and only cried a little. Now that I have Selene, and knowing just what I missed out on for the past 7 years, I cant help but bawl my eyes out. My heart is heavy and I find myself getting angry. I still believe she is where she is supposed to be and that adoption was the right choice for me/her at that point in my life. I'm angry that there is a need for adoption; the need on both sides. I'm angry that I didn't get to have all these "firsts" that I'm having with Selene with my first child. I'm angry at the person who took that all away from me.

And I have GUILT.

     I feel guilty that I didn't keep her, that I didn't work 3 jobs just to provide her with a life living with me. I feel guilty because now I have Selene and I kept her. It doesn't matter that my life was completely different 7 years ago. That if I kept her, my life wouldn't be the same as it is now. That I may be in a worse situation now than 7 years ago if I did keep her. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having another child, but I do. Its a good thing I was prepared for these types of feelings. I thank God for my counselor who warned me about these feelings or else I'd  be a hot mess right now. Still working on getting used to this new chapter in my life, not only as a woman, a new mom, but as a birthmom as well.

     Now to wait for my little one to wake up from her nap (may it take another hour, please) so I can make a birthday video to send her her big sister.

Sweet Sweet Selene

     I know I'm not good at all at keeping up with this blog, and for those that are interested in it, I'm sorry!

     This pregnancy was a rough one compared with C. Maybe because I'm a little older (oh my, I'm pushing 30... eeekk!) or maybe its because C's pregnancy needed to be easy with all the other hard crap I had to deal with; who knows. Emotionally, I was doing well until the last week and then all the fears I had with C came flooding back, but I was prepared for them, so that helped. Also the day after I had this new bundle of cuteness I got a text from K that they told C I had the baby and she responded with "She did?! You mean I have a little sister now?" and she threw her arms up in victory! I broke down sobbing. That is what I was praying for but dared not to hope that C would think of her as a little sister and love her. That also helped any anxiety I was having of C feeling replaced.

It's been "3" weeks since you looked at me...

   Holy flashbacks batman! You are welcome for that blast from the past! (yes I know it's only supposed to be "one" week, but it still works)


     Okay, now that its been 3 weeks since we found out Turtle is a girl I've gotten over my shock!
Don't get me wrong I still have my "oh crap, what am I going to do with a girl" moments but its all out of awe and joy. I'm super excited to have a sweet girl and I'm looking forward to watching my husband's melt into a big pile of goo.

     Ty has been really good to me. I feel like crap most of the time and still get grossed out by raw meat so he always has to cook dinner. He caters to most of my cravings (yet managing him to bring me food on his lunch break hasn't worked yet) and will eat them with me. Heck if I have to gain some pounds he needs to too! Sure he'll lose it super fast, so maybe I should make him eat more after Turtle is born while I'm working on dropping the baby weight so I can have bragging rights? Seem fair to me!

     We've enjoyed every moment so far and she has just started last week making her presence known outwardly buy making my bally dance! It is very amusing to watch and even funnier when she stops just as daddy comes over to see and starts back up when he has given up hope of watching her move and goes back to whatever he was doing beforehand. I like to think he already has a calming effect on her and hope this continues when she is in our arms.

      Though like I thought might happen I've caught myself trying to call her C's name. Now I know this just may be a normal occurrence to all 2nd (and beyond) time moms but it makes me feel bad. I wonder if we pick out an official name if that will help. I just don't know. I am missing C more than ever since the initial placement process (I don't think I will or wish to ever feel that again, it is beyond horrible even when you know you are doing the right thing).  I pray both girls never feel replaced or just a consolation prize because they are both deeply loved and cherished. I also have to keep giving these feelings to God and let Him handle it or else I'm just going to give myself a complex!

Oh boy girl, here we go!

The Big Reveal!

What is Turtle?!!

The day has finally arrived!

Now I didn't want an actual party, I just wanted a fun way to find out the news.

So a Sunday after church when we all hangout and eat was perfect!

This Sunday also happened to be Saint Patrick's day and the day of our church's VBS fundraiser at a local restaurant, so all of our friends would be going.

We don't have family anywhere near us, so our church family got to do the honors!

So what do you do when all you see for gender reveal ideas are cake or a box of balloons?

Why silly string of course!

We bought 72 cans in advance (The cheapest way to get them, even in bulk is your local Dollar Tree). A sweet friend came over on the day of the ultrasound to get the TOP SECRET ENVELOPE and exchange all the wrong colors for the right ones! She also wrapped them all in paper that I provided and removed all the lids so no one would accidentally know before the countdown!

I made one to get a feel for the look before she came to get them!

She then proceeds to let me know they are ready to go via picture

which of course just tortures me! 3 days of waiting!!! 

Now it is time to find out!!!

My Joy for 2013

     This has been really hard to keep a secret. One that only 5 people knew of for 8 weeks until we could surprise our family on Christmas day. We were all cautious though because of of the last two losses I had early on, but we had hope after we got to see the heartbeat. We never got that far before.
So after the excitement and joy of Christmas I didn't care that people close to me started to find out, just as long as no one shared our not-so-secrect secret with all those in facebookland.

      Jump to 14 weeks, the start of the next phase, I held my breath as I posted the last ultrasound picture I received on Facebook. I called him Turtle and every one cheered. I waited for the next few days to pass and was relieved when I didn't have to post another sad story just days after I announced like I did last time. The weeks went by, my morning sickness eased (Thank the Lord), and my excitement grew with my belly that was expanding. Everyone thought I knew something I wasn't sharing as I always referred to Turtle as "he". I had to explain all the time that I was just calling "it" a "he" until I knew any better because referring to this or any precious baby as "it" never sat well with me. I also just really wanted a boy first for many reason, some the same as most people of wanting a protector, a big brother for future little sisters; and then for the main reason that a lot of people just don't seem to understand. If you've read any of my past blogs you know that I had a daughter whom I placed in open adoption. I am a birth mother. I have fears, worries, that if I have a girl first then C would feel like I'm just replacing her with another girl. I NEVER want her to feel that way. I also worry that I may second guess my self in why I'm doing certain things with a girl, that I would try to be making up for all the things I missed out on with not parenting C, basically I fear I may think I'm subconsciously replacing C. I assume that is more of a second child around situation with the "how could I love another child as much as my first" feelings. Either way, I want a boy!

     Now we are at 20 weeks currently, half way there! We had a ultrasound this past Thursday but told the doctor performing the ultrasound that we didn't want to know the sex of the baby yet and asked if she could write it down and put it in an envelope. It was amazing to see our baby move around and my husband was in such awe. He hasn't been able to go to my monthly appointments and only saw Turtle one other time at an early ultrasound at 7 weeks, where he was still just so small that he looked like a smear. So now he gets to hear his first in utero heartbeat and you could see the water build up in his eyes. It is so very different to have someone go through all of this with you than it is alone. So moments like those means the world to me. God has truly blessed me with this man and I can't wait to meet the one whom He has entrusted us with bringing into this world!

(The secret is inside!)

What to say, what to write

When all I wanted to do was to share my experiences to help others like me; and then in this season of my life I get whammed with the saddest songs you'll ever hear. How is any of this in my life worth writing about? No one wants to read a blog with one sad tale after another and that is why I have been away. I try to start something up and it never goes the way I intended.

In the end of it all, I need to post, but sometimes maybe not the way I thought I should.
I just have to throw my hands up in the air and say "I trust you God.

Multiple miscarriages: "I trust you God."
The bittersweet day of my daughter's 6th birthday: "I trust you God"
Anniversaries of key family members deaths: "I trust you God"
The wait to see the pink +  : "I trust you God"
The wait to not see the pink +  : "I trust You God"
The thought of yet another miscarriage: "I trust you God"
The harassment of bill collectors: "I trust you God"
The feeling of my life not mattering: "I trust you God"


This season of my life (and every year around this time) really sucks for me. I feel as my life is in limbo, even with what I want to do on the side, like this blog, other than being a mom. At times I feel as if I failed as a wife, a mother.

BUT I know what God thinks of me. He made me (and you) awesome by design. He loves us so much and just wishes we would rely on Him more than we rely on man. He is the one we need to put our trust in. He is the one who heals. He is the one who knows all things and works them for good. So in this season of my life I will be thankful in all things, in all situations, the good, the bad, and the down right ugly, snot nosed, red eyes of sorrow.

I am thankful that I get to go through this to better empathize with other women going through this very thing.
I am thankful that I may have found the answer in my last miscarriage of where our family history of migraines comes from.
I am thankful that I am surround by people who care for me, even when I feel alone.
I am thankful that I have a place to serve God and others in a way He wired me.
I am thankful for the sweet smiles and shouts of my name from very sweet little girls.
I am thankful for a husband who can understand my need to not clean the house and stay in my pj's on a daily basis when I'm down.
I am thankful for merciful God who forgives me in my moments of weakness and lack of full unwavering trust.

I have an EXCELLENT God

I really did mean to have 1 post a week since my last one, but several things happened and then I was put on full throttle bed rest (more on that later as I really don't want to be a debbie downer blogger). Then the past 2 weeks I've been super busy crafting for my church's women's retreat.

Woman's Retreat, now that was a blast! We went to a cute little beach inn down in Carlsbad, Ca. This was also the first time I've been away from my husband in the year and five months since we were married. I had to apologize in advance with the lady who would be sharing a bed with me if she woke up with me cuddled up against her. I also almost walked out of my apartment without any proper sleeping attire! Just not used to certain things anymore!

Honestly I feel like the whole weekend was revolved around me. The speaker, Melinda Scott, was speaking right to me and God was moving things that I know logically and believe in my head down to my heart. Its a freeing feeling when that happens. I had girlfriends in my room that were able to tell me if my blue flats worked with my outfit and I believe them, unlike my dear sweet husband (though he can pick out better outfits for me than I can). We had coffee, a pumpkin spice latte to be exact for my last hur-rah before having to go caffeine free, and chocolate from the Chocolate Bar. Hanging out in the hot tub giggling over silly things. Oh and then I (well, all of us) got an adjustment from one of our awesome ladies who is OC's chiropractor of the year! Did I mention the clothes shopping the week before with a few of the ladies?! There are just some things that a woman needs to do that her husband can't provide. It was a well needed refreshing weekend.

The theme/message was based off 1 Peter 2:9 "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light."
There is so much I could go into to explain this but I don't think you want to stay up the whole night reading!
In it's basic form this weekend was to be reminded or to even hear for the first time that God has called us out, that we are HOLY, ROYAL and CHOSEN. We are beautiful and flawless in His eyes. BUT that we can't just sit there with it, we have been CALLED OUT to do the work of Jesus and proclaim His glory. 

I have an excellent God!

It was here in a flash and gone like that.

It all started with our trip to Israel. Ty and I had such a life changing experience in the Holy Land. We were on a discipleship tour with other young adults and seeing all of the places we read about in the Bible was indescribable. To have the stories of the Old Testament come to life changed what I once thought of as boring and dry. Not only did we see and study these places while we where there, but each one of us felt God move in our lives and felt a clearer calling on our future.

We got baptized in the Jordan River together and then Ty played the guitar while the others got baptized and prayed over. During this time I felt God's peace in the fact that we also started to try to have our own family. I took this as God saying I was pregnant. I got so excited but never shared that with anyone. I kept thinking of what an awesome gift it would be for our parents to come home with life growing in me, conceived in the Holy Land.

A couple of weeks later back home in the states, I start feeling sick. I realize I'm a day late and put 2 & 2 together. By Friday I still haven't started my period and really start getting sick at smells, which brings back a flood of memories to the last time I was pregnant. I knew this feeling and only have ever had it while I was pregnant with Cori. I try not to get excited but secretly I am. The weekend continues and I can not escape the smells as I spent both of Friday and Saturday at Comic Con in San Diego. A bunch of nerds in one area does not make a good smell (no offense but if you have ever been to a con you know what I'm talking about). Saturday rolls around, still queasy but also not feeling right down there. I continue on, a bit worried but also because I can't recall a lot of the beginning of my last pregnancy, I brush it off. This is where I beat myself up for the next month, though later I realize there was nothing I could have done to stop it anyways, as Sunday morning as I get up bright an early to go work at church, I realize I'm bleeding.

As quickly as it came, it was gone.

I entered a state of depression. Why this could happen to me of all people. The one who placed her first child for adoption all those years ago, didn't I deserve to have my own family? Why would God, the Author of Life, allow this to happen? My sweet friends tried to tell me it wasn't God and there may not be any reason at all, but I just wouldn't hear it. If I didn't have strong faith in God I believe this would have made me turn away from Him. In my heart I didn't like Him, but I knew that I would come to understand and God and I would be good again. I just needed time to be able to grieve. Though it took a good time for me to not feel stupid about grieving something I only knew I had for a couple of days. Its okay to grieve. It helps to have a group of people praying for you when you can't pray for yourself. Friends to support you and stand in the gap for you. If it wasn't for them I'm not sure how I would have made it out.

It took some time, but I made it through. I still don't have the answers I want but I'm afraid I'll never know until the day I meet my maker. Though through prayer and sitting and waiting to hear from God I am quickly reminded of the verse in John 10:10 "10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". I hadn't even thought about what God told me in Israel, what he reviled to me about my future calling. The thief, Satan, did his job. Simple as that. I was so torn and angry at God I couldn't even see the obvious. Sometimes when things are so dear to your heart you get mixed up and can't see the big picture.

I pray that if you ever go through something you can't understand and blame God, please remember this and don't wall up your heart to the things of God.

A new begining.

This blog started on a whim years ago and I've barely kept up with it. Now I feel God is pushing me towards this again but with a more purposeful mind. No longer will I leave God out when I feel it isn't "pc". This blog is from my view point and that contains God. I've been searching for a space where there are other like me, but yet to really find it. I don't fit into a lot of mommy groups and I don't fit into a lot of birthmother groups either as I don't need healing from the pain, I'm not second guessing my choice, and my life has moved forward. I'm happily married and we are trying to start our own family but I do get panic attacks every so often when I think how she will take it. I know this has to be normal but NO ONE ever talks about it. So this is what this is about, LIFE after placement.

My story: part 4- The big day!

Then on the night of Oct 22nd 2006 I start feeling major cramps and lay in a hot bathtub all night. I am still having them by the time our assistant house mother comes in at 8 am and she tells me that it sounds as if I'm going to have a baby today! WHAT? WAIT! NO!! I'm not ready. I don't want to push out a baby, make it go away! But I call Angie and she calls M&K to let them know that this maybe the day but that the contractions were far apart and may not be true contractions as I was 2 weeks early. I kept Angie posted as they kept coming closer and closer and of course M&K are scrambling trying to get a flight and all that jazz.

Needless to say I went to the hospital around 2pm and didn't even get checked in till 5pm as it seemed everyone was having a baby that day and the doctor was busy! DOH!
I get my drugs and a needle in the back and my mom can't be there because she is at work. So Angie stayed with me the whole time and it turns out in all the years she has been in the adoption field this was her first birth that she was going to see! Well, its now around 9 m and doctor big hands say its time to push.. I said NO!! I need to wait for M&K! He waits a little bit longer and says we can't wait anymore and I start to push, well low and behold we all hear a knock at the door and its them!! K comes rushing up to my side and grabs my hand and my leg! haha! She is all in it now! But I could not see M and in between pushes I ask where he is. He pipes up and says "I'm back here"! I told him to come up from behind the curtain and watch his daughter be born. I know he was staying back for my privacy while I'm in my full glory and normally I would want guys to stay back but this was something different. It was sexual or anything like that. It was the miracle of birth and not just a birth but the birth of his daughter. I wanted them to experience it all. Of course being doped up probably made my decency fall through the cracks! More pushing and being in hard pushing/labor for 20 mins (first kid, yeah I know I'm lucky!!) She finally graces us with her presence. M gets to cut the umbilical cord! K stays with me but able to see "C" and I can't because my bed isn't high enough to peep over though I was trying! They wash her and then hand her over to me! What a B E A UTIFUL baby!!!!! I was in love! We all then shared her first feeding but I can't remember who went first! lol Lots and lots of happy tears later everyone goes home because its way past visiting hours.

My story: part 3 more on the side of adoption

So, in the middle of all of that crazy DRAMA (I really hate drama)I was meeting regularly with my counselor. I also felt the need to begin the adoption process of finding the right family, which I was told doesn't normally happen until a few months later than were I was. I didn't care, "it" really needed a family and I wasn't going to waste time. I told Angie (my counselor) what in a family I wanted. here were my requirements:
Christian
A Mom & Dad- because I believe that there are things that each one posses that just can NOT be taught by the other. and I was raised by a single mom who had to work 3 jobs just to try and make ends meet and she missed out on so much of my life, but she did the best she could and I could have asked for a better mom for me.
A Big Family- by way of immediate family or close friends I didn't care

So Angie handed me 12 profiles that fit the bill and as soon as I saw M&K's picture I felt at ease. I read their profile. They loved to go see the Boston Pops perform and I loved playing instruments, so I knew that "it" would be introduced to music.
They included so many pictures of them with family and friends, another tally mark for them! And in those pictures were some from different countries; another tally mark in favor of them because I grew up an Air Force brat and lived in another country and have the traveling bug! "It" would be able to see places not in her back yard!
I knew I liked them but didn't want to give out on all the other potential families. So I held onto the profiles for a few days and had the house mom and the other girls look through them and each one said that M&K were the ones that seemed more like me. I never even told them who I favored. And so that was settled. I called Angie and told her who and she called them to arrange a meeting. A few months later I would meet them to make sure that I could trust them with this gift. They seemed great on paper but how would they be in real life? I was so nervous.