What to say, what to write

When all I wanted to do was to share my experiences to help others like me; and then in this season of my life I get whammed with the saddest songs you'll ever hear. How is any of this in my life worth writing about? No one wants to read a blog with one sad tale after another and that is why I have been away. I try to start something up and it never goes the way I intended.

In the end of it all, I need to post, but sometimes maybe not the way I thought I should.
I just have to throw my hands up in the air and say "I trust you God.

Multiple miscarriages: "I trust you God."
The bittersweet day of my daughter's 6th birthday: "I trust you God"
Anniversaries of key family members deaths: "I trust you God"
The wait to see the pink +  : "I trust you God"
The wait to not see the pink +  : "I trust You God"
The thought of yet another miscarriage: "I trust you God"
The harassment of bill collectors: "I trust you God"
The feeling of my life not mattering: "I trust you God"


This season of my life (and every year around this time) really sucks for me. I feel as my life is in limbo, even with what I want to do on the side, like this blog, other than being a mom. At times I feel as if I failed as a wife, a mother.

BUT I know what God thinks of me. He made me (and you) awesome by design. He loves us so much and just wishes we would rely on Him more than we rely on man. He is the one we need to put our trust in. He is the one who heals. He is the one who knows all things and works them for good. So in this season of my life I will be thankful in all things, in all situations, the good, the bad, and the down right ugly, snot nosed, red eyes of sorrow.

I am thankful that I get to go through this to better empathize with other women going through this very thing.
I am thankful that I may have found the answer in my last miscarriage of where our family history of migraines comes from.
I am thankful that I am surround by people who care for me, even when I feel alone.
I am thankful that I have a place to serve God and others in a way He wired me.
I am thankful for the sweet smiles and shouts of my name from very sweet little girls.
I am thankful for a husband who can understand my need to not clean the house and stay in my pj's on a daily basis when I'm down.
I am thankful for merciful God who forgives me in my moments of weakness and lack of full unwavering trust.