Birthdays just got a whole lot harder.

     Everything with my sweet Selene is going great. She is an awesome baby even if she doesn't like to be put down and fights her naps and staying asleep. I'm soaking up every minute of her. Most might think I'm going overboard and to be honest I probably am. But when I give her kisses and share her "firsts", I kiss her for my C as well. I wonder with every milestone, every celebratory month birthday just what was C like at those stages.

     Today brings about a new stage. 7 years ago today I brought forth into this world such a beautiful angel! How can this be?! How can it be 7 years already? Though I've physically spent time with her at 11 months old, 2 years old, and at 4 1/2, she should still be this tiny little babe when she was just all mine in the hospital. I used to laugh and roll my eyes at my mom when she would say I should still be a little girl to her. Now, I get it, I get her. I will forever be my mom's baby and my C will always be mine. Heck even Selene is growing to fast and she is only 11 weeks old!

     I was just starting to do well on C's birthdays. The past couple of years I've really been able to enjoy this day, celebrating it by myself. I had stopped bawling my eyes out and only cried a little. Now that I have Selene, and knowing just what I missed out on for the past 7 years, I cant help but bawl my eyes out. My heart is heavy and I find myself getting angry. I still believe she is where she is supposed to be and that adoption was the right choice for me/her at that point in my life. I'm angry that there is a need for adoption; the need on both sides. I'm angry that I didn't get to have all these "firsts" that I'm having with Selene with my first child. I'm angry at the person who took that all away from me.

And I have GUILT.

     I feel guilty that I didn't keep her, that I didn't work 3 jobs just to provide her with a life living with me. I feel guilty because now I have Selene and I kept her. It doesn't matter that my life was completely different 7 years ago. That if I kept her, my life wouldn't be the same as it is now. That I may be in a worse situation now than 7 years ago if I did keep her. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having another child, but I do. Its a good thing I was prepared for these types of feelings. I thank God for my counselor who warned me about these feelings or else I'd  be a hot mess right now. Still working on getting used to this new chapter in my life, not only as a woman, a new mom, but as a birthmom as well.

     Now to wait for my little one to wake up from her nap (may it take another hour, please) so I can make a birthday video to send her her big sister.