So, in the middle of all of that crazy DRAMA (I really hate drama)I was meeting regularly with my counselor. I also felt the need to begin the adoption process of finding the right family, which I was told doesn't normally happen until a few months later than were I was. I didn't care, "it" really needed a family and I wasn't going to waste time. I told Angie (my counselor) what in a family I wanted. here were my requirements:
Christian
A Mom & Dad- because I believe that there are things that each one posses that just can NOT be taught by the other. and I was raised by a single mom who had to work 3 jobs just to try and make ends meet and she missed out on so much of my life, but she did the best she could and I could have asked for a better mom for me.
A Big Family- by way of immediate family or close friends I didn't care
So Angie handed me 12 profiles that fit the bill and as soon as I saw M&K's picture I felt at ease. I read their profile. They loved to go see the Boston Pops perform and I loved playing instruments, so I knew that "it" would be introduced to music.
They included so many pictures of them with family and friends, another tally mark for them! And in those pictures were some from different countries; another tally mark in favor of them because I grew up an Air Force brat and lived in another country and have the traveling bug! "It" would be able to see places not in her back yard!
I knew I liked them but didn't want to give out on all the other potential families. So I held onto the profiles for a few days and had the house mom and the other girls look through them and each one said that M&K were the ones that seemed more like me. I never even told them who I favored. And so that was settled. I called Angie and told her who and she called them to arrange a meeting. A few months later I would meet them to make sure that I could trust them with this gift. They seemed great on paper but how would they be in real life? I was so nervous.
In the mean time I received counseling for the adoption and with another wonderful lady I was helped through the effects of my rape. Fortunately I have this "roll with the punches" mentality and could deal with it rather fast. Yes it happened, yes I wallowed in it for a few months and even tried to kill myself several times. but once I got past that part I had to start thinking of this baby in me and deal with it and make the most of everything. I had to move on or I'd be stuck in that pit and most likely 6 ft under by now. So I picked myself off the floor, dusted off, and started to run as fast as I could.
I found out that that I was having a girl! Up until then I thought "it" was a boy. Now it was time to give her a name, yet I did not feel right giving her a name. I wanted to call her by her name but I wanted to call her by whatever name she would always be given. So I waited and waited until the day came to meet M&K. I had my friend Larissa join me in meeting them as I really needed someone that was just there for me and me alone. Angie of course was there but she was for the both of us. Also Larissa was the only other girl in the house making an adoption plan for her twins and had previously placed her 3rd baby for adoption as well and knew the ropes and what to ask. She was like a mother hen to me and I needed that.
So M&K walked up to the front door, I watched them walk up the sidewalk. I wasn't sure how to act. I had cleaned the whole house and made it look really nice and I even put on MAKE-Up! ask any of my friends at the time and they would tell you that the only time I would wear make-up is for prom or that they forced me and put it on me themselves! I felt that I had to look my best, make a good impression. What if they didn't like me? So many thoughts like that, all the while everyone was telling me that it should be the opposite. That I needed to be impressed by them! The door bell rang. I slowly open the door and greet Angie with a hug and I see K's face and in her eyes, I knew that they were good people, that they somehow belonged in my family already.
We go out to eat, yay steak for me! (I never liked steak before and really not much a fan of it now, but then, OMG I loved the freakin meat). And we all talk and laugh. I asked if they thought of a name yet and they were still working on it but knew that she would have M's mother's name as her middle name in honor of her as she had passed away a few years back. Then it was time for them to go back home as the only came down during the weekend and lived in MA while I lived in FL. We exchanged emails to keep in contact with out always bugging Angie. And in those emails is were they came up with 2 name choices for "it" Hope or "C" (I won't give out her name on purpose and later I may call her by another name that's later in the story). I told them exactly what I felt, I knew a Hope and she was weird. I knew several "C"s (all spelled differently) both guys and girls and they were cool. So They decided on "C"! I got to help name our daughter, how cool is that?
I could never remember what they said her middle name was and I'm big on using full names. So I gave her one. I looked and looked through name books and I saw Ashlyn. I loved the sound of it and it just seemed right (and a good ole Irish name to boot. Well, at the end of Sept They stopped by for a visit and I schedule a sonogram so they could see her for the first time. Waiting for the lady to get there (this was as a crisis pregnancy center as my OB/GYN would not schedule me my 2nd ultrasound for Medicad), M was helping Mrs. Donna (the SOLVE House director) move some boxes and I told K that I hoped she didn't mind but that I gave "C" a middle name of my own because I just could not remember M's mom's name. I told her to me she was "C" Ashlyn. Well, K thought that was very nice and told M. Later on they told me that they were going to give her a second middle name of Ashlyn. They thought it would be something special for her and would honor me. It did! I cried!
My grandpa had died in this time and I was so devastated and yet I could not bring myself to go to his funeral and show my regnant self off. I could not and would not add more anguish to my family that was suffering the loss of our Patriarch. This choice later would upset the family and pretty much make me the black sheep of the family. Joy, I was/am the black sheep of the black sheeps! So to get me thru his death I made Ashlyn a very cute quilt with the helps of Mrs. Judy, my sewing teacher! That helped to have something to do to pass the time and keep my focus off my granddad.
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