My story: part 4- The big day!

Then on the night of Oct 22nd 2006 I start feeling major cramps and lay in a hot bathtub all night. I am still having them by the time our assistant house mother comes in at 8 am and she tells me that it sounds as if I'm going to have a baby today! WHAT? WAIT! NO!! I'm not ready. I don't want to push out a baby, make it go away! But I call Angie and she calls M&K to let them know that this maybe the day but that the contractions were far apart and may not be true contractions as I was 2 weeks early. I kept Angie posted as they kept coming closer and closer and of course M&K are scrambling trying to get a flight and all that jazz.

Needless to say I went to the hospital around 2pm and didn't even get checked in till 5pm as it seemed everyone was having a baby that day and the doctor was busy! DOH!
I get my drugs and a needle in the back and my mom can't be there because she is at work. So Angie stayed with me the whole time and it turns out in all the years she has been in the adoption field this was her first birth that she was going to see! Well, its now around 9 m and doctor big hands say its time to push.. I said NO!! I need to wait for M&K! He waits a little bit longer and says we can't wait anymore and I start to push, well low and behold we all hear a knock at the door and its them!! K comes rushing up to my side and grabs my hand and my leg! haha! She is all in it now! But I could not see M and in between pushes I ask where he is. He pipes up and says "I'm back here"! I told him to come up from behind the curtain and watch his daughter be born. I know he was staying back for my privacy while I'm in my full glory and normally I would want guys to stay back but this was something different. It was sexual or anything like that. It was the miracle of birth and not just a birth but the birth of his daughter. I wanted them to experience it all. Of course being doped up probably made my decency fall through the cracks! More pushing and being in hard pushing/labor for 20 mins (first kid, yeah I know I'm lucky!!) She finally graces us with her presence. M gets to cut the umbilical cord! K stays with me but able to see "C" and I can't because my bed isn't high enough to peep over though I was trying! They wash her and then hand her over to me! What a B E A UTIFUL baby!!!!! I was in love! We all then shared her first feeding but I can't remember who went first! lol Lots and lots of happy tears later everyone goes home because its way past visiting hours.



I remember watching Ashlyn sleep and just staring at her face. I thought the whole time that it was going to be a bit easier to let her go because I thought I would see him in her. I didn't there wasn't a trace of evil in her. Just a sweet little angel. I was not expecting that and I had to rethink why adoption was the best choice for her, It wasn't what I really wanted anymore, I wanted to keep her to myself. I wanted to be the one she called "mommy".

BUT I was STILL going to be a single mom. I STILL did not have a completed education so I could get a better job and make enough to raise her without having 3 jobs and depending on my mom to watch her. I saw what my mom went through to support my sister and I. And like I said before she missed out on a lot of my life. She made it to one game I think to see me perform in the half time show out of the 4 years I played. She missed out on all but 1 concert even when I had big solos. and there are just so many other points in my life that I need her or wanted her there yet she couldn't because she had to work to put food on the table for us. She is my hero and I am a stronger person because of her and I love and appreciate all she did for us, but that is not what I wanted for my daughter. Yes, my life is better now but I'm still not able to raise a family. And this life that I have now would be WAAAAYYY different if I chose to keep her with me.

No, no matter what I wanted, what SHE NEEDED was M&K. Love is not all you need with a family. As much as we wish that sentiment were true, it just is not.

So 2 days after she was born I held her as she bathed in my tears while I signed to awful papers that terminated my rights to her. That said I was no longer her mother.

M&K stayed down stairs in respect and because Angie didn't want me to feel pressured into it. My mom stood to the side and watch me sign my heart away. She stood and watch her baby grow much older and hurting and she could not fix it.

That was the worst day of my life. To be so unselfish that it shatters your heart. M&K came up and we all waited to be discharged from the hopital. I still held on to my baby. We go down to the cars and that is when I have to let go, it was so hard, but I was going to see her the next day and have her baptized at the church I was attending so I held onto that. I went home to the house and cried rivers.

The next day they came over and we went o the church. I dressed her in the clothes that I wore home from the hospital when I was born. They were big on her as I was 8lbs and she was only 6! That day was wonderful. To spend time with her outside of the hospital. I took so many pictures. I gave her the quilt I made for her and I gave her the clothes and K wanted me to keep them for when I have children of my own to pass it down to them but I wouldn't have that. This was something special fo her and both my mom and I wanted her to have them. To know that she was loved and wanted by not just me but by grandma Sheila as well ( yes, M&K call my mom grandma to her!)

Then I really had to say goodbye to her that's day as they were staying at a timeshare 2 hours away until the courts said they could all go home. On Oct 31st she was home.



That is the story of my adoption experience. I get to see her from time to time and I will blog later on my thoughts and life after the fact to really get a feel on how a birth mother thinks and feels..