My Joy for 2013

     This has been really hard to keep a secret. One that only 5 people knew of for 8 weeks until we could surprise our family on Christmas day. We were all cautious though because of of the last two losses I had early on, but we had hope after we got to see the heartbeat. We never got that far before.
So after the excitement and joy of Christmas I didn't care that people close to me started to find out, just as long as no one shared our not-so-secrect secret with all those in facebookland.

      Jump to 14 weeks, the start of the next phase, I held my breath as I posted the last ultrasound picture I received on Facebook. I called him Turtle and every one cheered. I waited for the next few days to pass and was relieved when I didn't have to post another sad story just days after I announced like I did last time. The weeks went by, my morning sickness eased (Thank the Lord), and my excitement grew with my belly that was expanding. Everyone thought I knew something I wasn't sharing as I always referred to Turtle as "he". I had to explain all the time that I was just calling "it" a "he" until I knew any better because referring to this or any precious baby as "it" never sat well with me. I also just really wanted a boy first for many reason, some the same as most people of wanting a protector, a big brother for future little sisters; and then for the main reason that a lot of people just don't seem to understand. If you've read any of my past blogs you know that I had a daughter whom I placed in open adoption. I am a birth mother. I have fears, worries, that if I have a girl first then C would feel like I'm just replacing her with another girl. I NEVER want her to feel that way. I also worry that I may second guess my self in why I'm doing certain things with a girl, that I would try to be making up for all the things I missed out on with not parenting C, basically I fear I may think I'm subconsciously replacing C. I assume that is more of a second child around situation with the "how could I love another child as much as my first" feelings. Either way, I want a boy!

     Now we are at 20 weeks currently, half way there! We had a ultrasound this past Thursday but told the doctor performing the ultrasound that we didn't want to know the sex of the baby yet and asked if she could write it down and put it in an envelope. It was amazing to see our baby move around and my husband was in such awe. He hasn't been able to go to my monthly appointments and only saw Turtle one other time at an early ultrasound at 7 weeks, where he was still just so small that he looked like a smear. So now he gets to hear his first in utero heartbeat and you could see the water build up in his eyes. It is so very different to have someone go through all of this with you than it is alone. So moments like those means the world to me. God has truly blessed me with this man and I can't wait to meet the one whom He has entrusted us with bringing into this world!

(The secret is inside!)