This is continued on from the previous post..
So, I get home from the abortion clinic all hopped up on gas, the most expensive high (and only) I have ever had because even if you don't go thru with the abortion they still like to keep your money and I was to doped up to even think/process that at the time. Anywho, I didn't know what to do. No abortion = still pregnant, but still I knew I couldn't raise a baby. So a few days later I pack a few things into my van and head home back to my momma. She had known about my rape when I found out I was preggo and was supportive of my choice to get an abortion. Well, even though I went back home I couldn't face her and tell her that I was still carrying around "his" baby. I just felt so ashamed of everything. I remember one day just driving up and down the main road searching for a billboard I had seen a bazillion times through-out high school and yet could not find it at all. I kept driving by churches to stop and ask for help finding it or knowing the place it advertised but always chickened out. Oh the thoughts that run through your mind and worrying about what others will think and the thoughts of having to talk to the police. I did not want that. I am normally a very shy girl so to air out my dirty laundry was unthinkable.
Anyways, even with my divine intervention I still set up 3 appointments to have an abortion because I just could not find that stupid sign and still had no courage to ask for help from anyone including my mom. and on the days of each appointment I got up, got ready, got in my car and drove the opposite way and went window shopping. I just couldn't do it. So I went to the yellow pages and looked up anything that said "ADOPTION" and from there I went to the library and looked to see if any of them had websites and to see if any were local. A whole whopping 2 had websites and were at least semi local. So that day I drove to the nearest one (thankfully in my same county) and walked in all scared, because here it was I was about to tell someone I was still pregnant. I think I stood outside that red door for at least 15 mins before I could even touch the handle. I walk in and find the receptionist and she is the only one there. I look at her, eyes blood shot, and she smiles at me and that was it, I was water works. She sat me down and we talked a bit. I told her I don't really know adoptions that well minus all the scary stories of woman stealing their kids back or their kids being stolen from them and given away. I tell her that my cousin is adopted from Korea. She calmly talks to me about adoption but I hardly process anything she says. She gives me paper to sign and I do because even though I don't know what this is all about I do know this is what needs to be done, that this is my only option left and the right one.
In this meeting I also come up with this crazy scam to hide myself away while I start showing and have the baby in secret. I come u with a fictional traveling job doing catering and baking. Something that sound believable to my family who I hate lying to and am not that good at. I also tell this to my boyfriend at the time in a letter b/c we were on the rocks because his mom called the police station to see if I did in fact report it, and of course they tell her that no one has reported a rape in that time frame. BUSTED! But to me it was such a small lie that really didn't matter and what I needed so I didn't have to explain why I didn't report it and then get blamed if any other woman gets raped by this man. Things I didn't need on top of everything else. So, anyways his mom now thinks that I'm a lying cheating whore and once you get on her bad side, she is a monster and you can never redeem yourself. So she is trying to convince him that I'm a whore and he also thinks I went though with the abortion. How do you tell a guy you are carrying another man's baby? So I come up with this "job" all the while I have an "interview" with a Christ centered maternity home. They luckily have 1 spot open and I get it.
So the next week, I met my actual adoption councilor and she drives me to the home which happens to be in the next county, thank God. I was 4 months pregnant when I moved in and just 2 lbs above my normal weight. I lost tons of weight in my first trimester from all the stress. So when I see the doctor for the first time I am labeled as "high risk" and put on a high fat diet, within the next following week and a month after I moved in I actually start ballooning out! lol It was hilarious, with all the stress gone and I felt that I could relax a bit I actually started to look pregnant. Even though when I went to the beach with a few of the other girls there people would gawk over their huge preggo bellies and just think i was a chubby friend (mind you I only weighed in at 127lbs then). I had come to accept all that has happened and that I'm going to have a baby and make a family a family.
Well, its, now past my 21st birthday and going into July when I finally decided to tell my boyfriend the truth because he called and left me a voice-mail that he wanted to work things out. YIKES! I told him where I was and that I couldn't go through with the abortion and that I had an adoption plan. He visist me the next day and goes home with a lot on his plate. He comes back a week later and still urges me to have an abortion because he doesn't think I'll give the baby up. I said no, I wont and that I will let her go because its what is best for her ("it" at the time). He asked me again I said no again so he said goodbye forever. 6 years all to be blown away because I would not kill an innocent life. He was a firefighter/E.M.T. and it was his job to protect lives yet he would not stand with me and protect this innocent life. I was devastated. I understood his reasoning but I was crushed. I thought I was going to marry him, we had been together for 6 years.
That is when I broke down to the point I couldn't breathe. Every part of my life was crumbling and that was truely the lowest I have been. BUT out of that came a new relationship with my mother, one that I have never had. I never yold her much about my problems because I didn't want to worry her. I didn't want to add more to her stress. She has been a single parent since I was 9 and had to deal with my sister so much that I never wanted to cause her extra trouble. But on this day I would. I need my momma like never before. I called her cell phone. I hear people in the background. She is out on her bike with her new husband at a local watering hole. I told her to call me when she gets home. She can hear something in my voice so she walks to the side of the place where no one is around and says "what is it? whats wrong?" I said "mom, I need to tell you something are you sitting down?" she asks "what is it? are you pregnant?" I just start bawling. Somehow she knew. She knew me and knew that I couldn't/wouldn't go through with an abortion. She visits me the next week on her day off. I tell her that it was up to her if we should tell the rest of the family and she says that we shouldn't worry them and my grandpa, who was going through dialysis at the time, and that I can tell them if and when I want.
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