We all have them and we are all changed by our own stories and sometimes we are changes by others as well. It is my hopes that my story will change someone's thoughts and opinions on certain subjects. Not that I believe my opinion is the right one and that you should do it my way, but that you see that maybe the world's way of thinking may not be what really happens...
I was in a *public* bathroom one night and in there I was raped by a stranger. I tried to fight him off and said no over and over again to no avail. So I went into my mind and off into my own world while it happened. I had learned to do that when I was younger and raped by my stepbrother for 4 years. (that is all you will know of my rape as the details are very personal and not for everyone to hear)
Anyways, I locked myself away in my room for a week and bathed in bleach the whole time and then I finally emerged from my room with the thought of "well, that is life" and went back to work without telling a soul.
It was about a month later that I started to feel sick at stinky smells but reasoned that it was because of the new birth control I had started to take messing with my hormones. Seemed logical to everyone as they had no clue of my rape. Then finally someone asked me "are you sure you are not pregnant?"
and that's when it came crashing down. I bought I don't know how many test but they were all positive. I cried and cried and cried some more because I knew in no way could it be my boyfriend at the time because I was away at school and only saw him once a month if I was that lucky. So I called him and he came over and I told him what happened, but I added a bit to the story in that I reported it. I knew I shouldn't have lied but people ask less questions when you report a rape than when you don't. He said I should get an abortion and I agreed. I grew up with abortions being okay and not shameful especially when you are young and in school and not married. I personally didn't agree with abortions but in the cases of rape and incest I thought them the way to go.
March 21st 2006 I was supposed to be visiting a friend in KS and already had a plane ticket and such, instead I drove myself to the abortion clinic. I didn't have anybody so the case worker, (the one who goes over all your options and ask "have you thought of parenting" -can't to young, 20 at the time" and still in college. "have you thought of adoption?" -no? "Okay then well here is what we do here at such and such.." and she tells me pretty much how wonderful abortions are), was by my side on the table holding my hand. The nurse gave me the gas (it was a 5 min sedation thing) first as I was afraid of needles and didn't want the IV. She was about to stick the iv in and I had what I know call my "divine intervention"
I saw so many families, childless families that would kill just to have a baby and here I was about to kill this baby inside of me. It wasn't my fault that I was raped and became pregnant, but it wasn't this child's fault either. It was innocent. How could I do harm to an innocent life? How could I kill this baby when there were people out there that couldn't have children themselves and wanted nothing more that to love one? How could I play God?
That thought played out in my mind in a matter of seconds and I said "Stop, I can't do this". The doctor looked at me and said, "oh that's just the gas talking" and continued to prep. Again I said "NO" and at that point the case worker stood up for me and helped me get up and dresses and get a ride home. I remember walking out of the building and on my way out seeing a lone cross on the wall and thought "really? how can that be?"
Mind you at that point in my life I wasn't a Christian. Yes, I went to church when I was younger but and believed that God did exist and that Jesus was God's son but at that point He was always just something in the sky watching us, nothing more.
to be continues
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