It's been "3" weeks since you looked at me...

   Holy flashbacks batman! You are welcome for that blast from the past! (yes I know it's only supposed to be "one" week, but it still works)


     Okay, now that its been 3 weeks since we found out Turtle is a girl I've gotten over my shock!
Don't get me wrong I still have my "oh crap, what am I going to do with a girl" moments but its all out of awe and joy. I'm super excited to have a sweet girl and I'm looking forward to watching my husband's melt into a big pile of goo.

     Ty has been really good to me. I feel like crap most of the time and still get grossed out by raw meat so he always has to cook dinner. He caters to most of my cravings (yet managing him to bring me food on his lunch break hasn't worked yet) and will eat them with me. Heck if I have to gain some pounds he needs to too! Sure he'll lose it super fast, so maybe I should make him eat more after Turtle is born while I'm working on dropping the baby weight so I can have bragging rights? Seem fair to me!

     We've enjoyed every moment so far and she has just started last week making her presence known outwardly buy making my bally dance! It is very amusing to watch and even funnier when she stops just as daddy comes over to see and starts back up when he has given up hope of watching her move and goes back to whatever he was doing beforehand. I like to think he already has a calming effect on her and hope this continues when she is in our arms.

      Though like I thought might happen I've caught myself trying to call her C's name. Now I know this just may be a normal occurrence to all 2nd (and beyond) time moms but it makes me feel bad. I wonder if we pick out an official name if that will help. I just don't know. I am missing C more than ever since the initial placement process (I don't think I will or wish to ever feel that again, it is beyond horrible even when you know you are doing the right thing).  I pray both girls never feel replaced or just a consolation prize because they are both deeply loved and cherished. I also have to keep giving these feelings to God and let Him handle it or else I'm just going to give myself a complex!

Oh boy girl, here we go!

The Big Reveal!

What is Turtle?!!

The day has finally arrived!

Now I didn't want an actual party, I just wanted a fun way to find out the news.

So a Sunday after church when we all hangout and eat was perfect!

This Sunday also happened to be Saint Patrick's day and the day of our church's VBS fundraiser at a local restaurant, so all of our friends would be going.

We don't have family anywhere near us, so our church family got to do the honors!

So what do you do when all you see for gender reveal ideas are cake or a box of balloons?

Why silly string of course!

We bought 72 cans in advance (The cheapest way to get them, even in bulk is your local Dollar Tree). A sweet friend came over on the day of the ultrasound to get the TOP SECRET ENVELOPE and exchange all the wrong colors for the right ones! She also wrapped them all in paper that I provided and removed all the lids so no one would accidentally know before the countdown!

I made one to get a feel for the look before she came to get them!

She then proceeds to let me know they are ready to go via picture

which of course just tortures me! 3 days of waiting!!! 

Now it is time to find out!!!

My Joy for 2013

     This has been really hard to keep a secret. One that only 5 people knew of for 8 weeks until we could surprise our family on Christmas day. We were all cautious though because of of the last two losses I had early on, but we had hope after we got to see the heartbeat. We never got that far before.
So after the excitement and joy of Christmas I didn't care that people close to me started to find out, just as long as no one shared our not-so-secrect secret with all those in facebookland.

      Jump to 14 weeks, the start of the next phase, I held my breath as I posted the last ultrasound picture I received on Facebook. I called him Turtle and every one cheered. I waited for the next few days to pass and was relieved when I didn't have to post another sad story just days after I announced like I did last time. The weeks went by, my morning sickness eased (Thank the Lord), and my excitement grew with my belly that was expanding. Everyone thought I knew something I wasn't sharing as I always referred to Turtle as "he". I had to explain all the time that I was just calling "it" a "he" until I knew any better because referring to this or any precious baby as "it" never sat well with me. I also just really wanted a boy first for many reason, some the same as most people of wanting a protector, a big brother for future little sisters; and then for the main reason that a lot of people just don't seem to understand. If you've read any of my past blogs you know that I had a daughter whom I placed in open adoption. I am a birth mother. I have fears, worries, that if I have a girl first then C would feel like I'm just replacing her with another girl. I NEVER want her to feel that way. I also worry that I may second guess my self in why I'm doing certain things with a girl, that I would try to be making up for all the things I missed out on with not parenting C, basically I fear I may think I'm subconsciously replacing C. I assume that is more of a second child around situation with the "how could I love another child as much as my first" feelings. Either way, I want a boy!

     Now we are at 20 weeks currently, half way there! We had a ultrasound this past Thursday but told the doctor performing the ultrasound that we didn't want to know the sex of the baby yet and asked if she could write it down and put it in an envelope. It was amazing to see our baby move around and my husband was in such awe. He hasn't been able to go to my monthly appointments and only saw Turtle one other time at an early ultrasound at 7 weeks, where he was still just so small that he looked like a smear. So now he gets to hear his first in utero heartbeat and you could see the water build up in his eyes. It is so very different to have someone go through all of this with you than it is alone. So moments like those means the world to me. God has truly blessed me with this man and I can't wait to meet the one whom He has entrusted us with bringing into this world!

(The secret is inside!)

What to say, what to write

When all I wanted to do was to share my experiences to help others like me; and then in this season of my life I get whammed with the saddest songs you'll ever hear. How is any of this in my life worth writing about? No one wants to read a blog with one sad tale after another and that is why I have been away. I try to start something up and it never goes the way I intended.

In the end of it all, I need to post, but sometimes maybe not the way I thought I should.
I just have to throw my hands up in the air and say "I trust you God.

Multiple miscarriages: "I trust you God."
The bittersweet day of my daughter's 6th birthday: "I trust you God"
Anniversaries of key family members deaths: "I trust you God"
The wait to see the pink +  : "I trust you God"
The wait to not see the pink +  : "I trust You God"
The thought of yet another miscarriage: "I trust you God"
The harassment of bill collectors: "I trust you God"
The feeling of my life not mattering: "I trust you God"


This season of my life (and every year around this time) really sucks for me. I feel as my life is in limbo, even with what I want to do on the side, like this blog, other than being a mom. At times I feel as if I failed as a wife, a mother.

BUT I know what God thinks of me. He made me (and you) awesome by design. He loves us so much and just wishes we would rely on Him more than we rely on man. He is the one we need to put our trust in. He is the one who heals. He is the one who knows all things and works them for good. So in this season of my life I will be thankful in all things, in all situations, the good, the bad, and the down right ugly, snot nosed, red eyes of sorrow.

I am thankful that I get to go through this to better empathize with other women going through this very thing.
I am thankful that I may have found the answer in my last miscarriage of where our family history of migraines comes from.
I am thankful that I am surround by people who care for me, even when I feel alone.
I am thankful that I have a place to serve God and others in a way He wired me.
I am thankful for the sweet smiles and shouts of my name from very sweet little girls.
I am thankful for a husband who can understand my need to not clean the house and stay in my pj's on a daily basis when I'm down.
I am thankful for merciful God who forgives me in my moments of weakness and lack of full unwavering trust.