What else can we cram into November?

     This month has many things going for it. The list is long and each day in the month has a plethora of individual things as well.
The list includes:
Latin American Month
National American Indian & Alaska Native Heritage Month
National Epilepsy Month
National Red Ribbon Month (anti-drunkdriving)
National Stamp Collecting Month
National Georgia Pecan Month
National Pepper Month
National Hospice Month
National Peanut Butter Lover's Month
National Raisin Bread Month (mmmmmmmm)
National Diabetes Awareness Month (which the previous 2 can lead to, lol)
No Shave Novemeber
THANKSGIVING (keeping my maternity pants around just for this)

but most of all, the one closest to my heart is

National Adoption Awareness Month

     Most of everything you will read will be about protecting the orphans as God instructs us to do. You will also read a lot from adoptive parents and their struggles. Its good to find comradery and to get a feel of what it will be like to adopt. But I feel like that part of adoption is already so available to read and we should focus more on the adoptee themselves and the birthparents. Yes, of course I bias towards the birthparent aspect, but there are so many bad stereotypes about us floating around out there or we seem to be on a pedestal. Strangers view me as a recovered drug addict when they find out I placed my child for adoption and adoptive parents look at me like I have freakin angel wings and a small shed of tear in my eye. 

     People, we are normal everyday humans!! Not all of us are on crack and we could have raised our children, but there are many reasons why we are not. I'm also not a Saint. Yes, I made a family complete but I was only doing the best for my child, not because there are people who can't have a baby in the conventional way and I wanted to bless them. I also don't hold back my emotions, I become a hot mess on certain days when I think about my first daughter. There are also days where I *gasp* barely think of her. It has been 7 years people, I'm not so fresh. I don't beat myself up for that. Of course I always think of her (I have her pictures in every room) but its not the overwhelming "what have I done" as it was when I first placed her. 

     I also find some adoptive parents blog's rather annoying. Mainly because even though they say they are there for the birthparents, really they don't think twice about us other than the fact that we gave them their child. And then it becomes all "well I'm the one who raised her.... blah blah blah". Um HELLO we are not deadbeat dads that you are trying block form visitations until we cough up child support. We didn't abandon our child (though that is a valid emotion for adoptees to feel) so we could live how we want and sow our oats. Keep us in our child's life, even if it is through pictures and letters left at the agency. Even if your child's birthparents were cracked out whores, leave updates for us.

     Better yet, lets get the ball rolling on better laws all around. Give birthparents more time to choose to parent or place after they give birth. Let the babies go home with the birthparents for a night or two so they can really get a hold of their emotions and rethink why they are placing. WE HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO CHANGE OUR MINDS and we are not horrible for doing so. Make promises adoptive parents make to keep in contact legally binding (I'm not saying the courts can take the child away for not keeping in contact, but maybe fine them each time?). SOOOOOO many birth moms that I know have shattered lives becasue what was promised to them was broken before the first year, hell lots the first month, after placement.

     EVEN BETTER, know someone who is thinking about placing? Why don't you come along side them instead of pushing or pulling either way and help them to get the all the help to be able to parent so they really can feel as if they are making the best possible choice for the child no matter what they decide. 

/end rant

 Well.... that must have been on my chest because I feel better about this month! ha!

Seriously though, adoption is great and I'm a big supporter, just wish there wasn't a need for it for everyone involved in the triad.

Birthdays just got a whole lot harder.

     Everything with my sweet Selene is going great. She is an awesome baby even if she doesn't like to be put down and fights her naps and staying asleep. I'm soaking up every minute of her. Most might think I'm going overboard and to be honest I probably am. But when I give her kisses and share her "firsts", I kiss her for my C as well. I wonder with every milestone, every celebratory month birthday just what was C like at those stages.

     Today brings about a new stage. 7 years ago today I brought forth into this world such a beautiful angel! How can this be?! How can it be 7 years already? Though I've physically spent time with her at 11 months old, 2 years old, and at 4 1/2, she should still be this tiny little babe when she was just all mine in the hospital. I used to laugh and roll my eyes at my mom when she would say I should still be a little girl to her. Now, I get it, I get her. I will forever be my mom's baby and my C will always be mine. Heck even Selene is growing to fast and she is only 11 weeks old!

     I was just starting to do well on C's birthdays. The past couple of years I've really been able to enjoy this day, celebrating it by myself. I had stopped bawling my eyes out and only cried a little. Now that I have Selene, and knowing just what I missed out on for the past 7 years, I cant help but bawl my eyes out. My heart is heavy and I find myself getting angry. I still believe she is where she is supposed to be and that adoption was the right choice for me/her at that point in my life. I'm angry that there is a need for adoption; the need on both sides. I'm angry that I didn't get to have all these "firsts" that I'm having with Selene with my first child. I'm angry at the person who took that all away from me.

And I have GUILT.

     I feel guilty that I didn't keep her, that I didn't work 3 jobs just to provide her with a life living with me. I feel guilty because now I have Selene and I kept her. It doesn't matter that my life was completely different 7 years ago. That if I kept her, my life wouldn't be the same as it is now. That I may be in a worse situation now than 7 years ago if I did keep her. I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having another child, but I do. Its a good thing I was prepared for these types of feelings. I thank God for my counselor who warned me about these feelings or else I'd  be a hot mess right now. Still working on getting used to this new chapter in my life, not only as a woman, a new mom, but as a birthmom as well.

     Now to wait for my little one to wake up from her nap (may it take another hour, please) so I can make a birthday video to send her her big sister.

Sweet Sweet Selene

     I know I'm not good at all at keeping up with this blog, and for those that are interested in it, I'm sorry!

     This pregnancy was a rough one compared with C. Maybe because I'm a little older (oh my, I'm pushing 30... eeekk!) or maybe its because C's pregnancy needed to be easy with all the other hard crap I had to deal with; who knows. Emotionally, I was doing well until the last week and then all the fears I had with C came flooding back, but I was prepared for them, so that helped. Also the day after I had this new bundle of cuteness I got a text from K that they told C I had the baby and she responded with "She did?! You mean I have a little sister now?" and she threw her arms up in victory! I broke down sobbing. That is what I was praying for but dared not to hope that C would think of her as a little sister and love her. That also helped any anxiety I was having of C feeling replaced.

It's been "3" weeks since you looked at me...

   Holy flashbacks batman! You are welcome for that blast from the past! (yes I know it's only supposed to be "one" week, but it still works)


     Okay, now that its been 3 weeks since we found out Turtle is a girl I've gotten over my shock!
Don't get me wrong I still have my "oh crap, what am I going to do with a girl" moments but its all out of awe and joy. I'm super excited to have a sweet girl and I'm looking forward to watching my husband's melt into a big pile of goo.

     Ty has been really good to me. I feel like crap most of the time and still get grossed out by raw meat so he always has to cook dinner. He caters to most of my cravings (yet managing him to bring me food on his lunch break hasn't worked yet) and will eat them with me. Heck if I have to gain some pounds he needs to too! Sure he'll lose it super fast, so maybe I should make him eat more after Turtle is born while I'm working on dropping the baby weight so I can have bragging rights? Seem fair to me!

     We've enjoyed every moment so far and she has just started last week making her presence known outwardly buy making my bally dance! It is very amusing to watch and even funnier when she stops just as daddy comes over to see and starts back up when he has given up hope of watching her move and goes back to whatever he was doing beforehand. I like to think he already has a calming effect on her and hope this continues when she is in our arms.

      Though like I thought might happen I've caught myself trying to call her C's name. Now I know this just may be a normal occurrence to all 2nd (and beyond) time moms but it makes me feel bad. I wonder if we pick out an official name if that will help. I just don't know. I am missing C more than ever since the initial placement process (I don't think I will or wish to ever feel that again, it is beyond horrible even when you know you are doing the right thing).  I pray both girls never feel replaced or just a consolation prize because they are both deeply loved and cherished. I also have to keep giving these feelings to God and let Him handle it or else I'm just going to give myself a complex!

Oh boy girl, here we go!

The Big Reveal!

What is Turtle?!!

The day has finally arrived!

Now I didn't want an actual party, I just wanted a fun way to find out the news.

So a Sunday after church when we all hangout and eat was perfect!

This Sunday also happened to be Saint Patrick's day and the day of our church's VBS fundraiser at a local restaurant, so all of our friends would be going.

We don't have family anywhere near us, so our church family got to do the honors!

So what do you do when all you see for gender reveal ideas are cake or a box of balloons?

Why silly string of course!

We bought 72 cans in advance (The cheapest way to get them, even in bulk is your local Dollar Tree). A sweet friend came over on the day of the ultrasound to get the TOP SECRET ENVELOPE and exchange all the wrong colors for the right ones! She also wrapped them all in paper that I provided and removed all the lids so no one would accidentally know before the countdown!

I made one to get a feel for the look before she came to get them!

She then proceeds to let me know they are ready to go via picture

which of course just tortures me! 3 days of waiting!!! 

Now it is time to find out!!!

My Joy for 2013

     This has been really hard to keep a secret. One that only 5 people knew of for 8 weeks until we could surprise our family on Christmas day. We were all cautious though because of of the last two losses I had early on, but we had hope after we got to see the heartbeat. We never got that far before.
So after the excitement and joy of Christmas I didn't care that people close to me started to find out, just as long as no one shared our not-so-secrect secret with all those in facebookland.

      Jump to 14 weeks, the start of the next phase, I held my breath as I posted the last ultrasound picture I received on Facebook. I called him Turtle and every one cheered. I waited for the next few days to pass and was relieved when I didn't have to post another sad story just days after I announced like I did last time. The weeks went by, my morning sickness eased (Thank the Lord), and my excitement grew with my belly that was expanding. Everyone thought I knew something I wasn't sharing as I always referred to Turtle as "he". I had to explain all the time that I was just calling "it" a "he" until I knew any better because referring to this or any precious baby as "it" never sat well with me. I also just really wanted a boy first for many reason, some the same as most people of wanting a protector, a big brother for future little sisters; and then for the main reason that a lot of people just don't seem to understand. If you've read any of my past blogs you know that I had a daughter whom I placed in open adoption. I am a birth mother. I have fears, worries, that if I have a girl first then C would feel like I'm just replacing her with another girl. I NEVER want her to feel that way. I also worry that I may second guess my self in why I'm doing certain things with a girl, that I would try to be making up for all the things I missed out on with not parenting C, basically I fear I may think I'm subconsciously replacing C. I assume that is more of a second child around situation with the "how could I love another child as much as my first" feelings. Either way, I want a boy!

     Now we are at 20 weeks currently, half way there! We had a ultrasound this past Thursday but told the doctor performing the ultrasound that we didn't want to know the sex of the baby yet and asked if she could write it down and put it in an envelope. It was amazing to see our baby move around and my husband was in such awe. He hasn't been able to go to my monthly appointments and only saw Turtle one other time at an early ultrasound at 7 weeks, where he was still just so small that he looked like a smear. So now he gets to hear his first in utero heartbeat and you could see the water build up in his eyes. It is so very different to have someone go through all of this with you than it is alone. So moments like those means the world to me. God has truly blessed me with this man and I can't wait to meet the one whom He has entrusted us with bringing into this world!

(The secret is inside!)