It all started with our trip to Israel. Ty and I had such a life changing experience in the Holy Land. We were on a discipleship tour with other young adults and seeing all of the places we read about in the Bible was indescribable. To have the stories of the Old Testament come to life changed what I once thought of as boring and dry. Not only did we see and study these places while we where there, but each one of us felt God move in our lives and felt a clearer calling on our future.
We got baptized in the Jordan River together and then Ty played the guitar while the others got baptized and prayed over. During this time I felt God's peace in the fact that we also started to try to have our own family. I took this as God saying I was pregnant. I got so excited but never shared that with anyone. I kept thinking of what an awesome gift it would be for our parents to come home with life growing in me, conceived in the Holy Land.
A couple of weeks later back home in the states, I start feeling sick. I realize I'm a day late and put 2 & 2 together. By Friday I still haven't started my period and really start getting sick at smells, which brings back a flood of memories to the last time I was pregnant. I knew this feeling and only have ever had it while I was pregnant with Cori. I try not to get excited but secretly I am. The weekend continues and I can not escape the smells as I spent both of Friday and Saturday at Comic Con in San Diego. A bunch of nerds in one area does not make a good smell (no offense but if you have ever been to a con you know what I'm talking about). Saturday rolls around, still queasy but also not feeling right down there. I continue on, a bit worried but also because I can't recall a lot of the beginning of my last pregnancy, I brush it off. This is where I beat myself up for the next month, though later I realize there was nothing I could have done to stop it anyways, as Sunday morning as I get up bright an early to go work at church, I realize I'm bleeding.
As quickly as it came, it was gone.
I entered a state of depression. Why this could happen to me of all people. The one who placed her first child for adoption all those years ago, didn't I deserve to have my own family? Why would God, the Author of Life, allow this to happen? My sweet friends tried to tell me it wasn't God and there may not be any reason at all, but I just wouldn't hear it. If I didn't have strong faith in God I believe this would have made me turn away from Him. In my heart I didn't like Him, but I knew that I would come to understand and God and I would be good again. I just needed time to be able to grieve. Though it took a good time for me to not feel stupid about grieving something I only knew I had for a couple of days. Its okay to grieve. It helps to have a group of people praying for you when you can't pray for yourself. Friends to support you and stand in the gap for you. If it wasn't for them I'm not sure how I would have made it out.
It took some time, but I made it through. I still don't have the answers I want but I'm afraid I'll never know until the day I meet my maker. Though through prayer and sitting and waiting to hear from God I am quickly reminded of the verse in John 10:10 "10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". I hadn't even thought about what God told me in Israel, what he reviled to me about my future calling. The thief, Satan, did his job. Simple as that. I was so torn and angry at God I couldn't even see the obvious. Sometimes when things are so dear to your heart you get mixed up and can't see the big picture.
I pray that if you ever go through something you can't understand and blame God, please remember this and don't wall up your heart to the things of God.