What to say, what to write

When all I wanted to do was to share my experiences to help others like me; and then in this season of my life I get whammed with the saddest songs you'll ever hear. How is any of this in my life worth writing about? No one wants to read a blog with one sad tale after another and that is why I have been away. I try to start something up and it never goes the way I intended.

In the end of it all, I need to post, but sometimes maybe not the way I thought I should.
I just have to throw my hands up in the air and say "I trust you God.

Multiple miscarriages: "I trust you God."
The bittersweet day of my daughter's 6th birthday: "I trust you God"
Anniversaries of key family members deaths: "I trust you God"
The wait to see the pink +  : "I trust you God"
The wait to not see the pink +  : "I trust You God"
The thought of yet another miscarriage: "I trust you God"
The harassment of bill collectors: "I trust you God"
The feeling of my life not mattering: "I trust you God"


This season of my life (and every year around this time) really sucks for me. I feel as my life is in limbo, even with what I want to do on the side, like this blog, other than being a mom. At times I feel as if I failed as a wife, a mother.

BUT I know what God thinks of me. He made me (and you) awesome by design. He loves us so much and just wishes we would rely on Him more than we rely on man. He is the one we need to put our trust in. He is the one who heals. He is the one who knows all things and works them for good. So in this season of my life I will be thankful in all things, in all situations, the good, the bad, and the down right ugly, snot nosed, red eyes of sorrow.

I am thankful that I get to go through this to better empathize with other women going through this very thing.
I am thankful that I may have found the answer in my last miscarriage of where our family history of migraines comes from.
I am thankful that I am surround by people who care for me, even when I feel alone.
I am thankful that I have a place to serve God and others in a way He wired me.
I am thankful for the sweet smiles and shouts of my name from very sweet little girls.
I am thankful for a husband who can understand my need to not clean the house and stay in my pj's on a daily basis when I'm down.
I am thankful for merciful God who forgives me in my moments of weakness and lack of full unwavering trust.

I have an EXCELLENT God

I really did mean to have 1 post a week since my last one, but several things happened and then I was put on full throttle bed rest (more on that later as I really don't want to be a debbie downer blogger). Then the past 2 weeks I've been super busy crafting for my church's women's retreat.

Woman's Retreat, now that was a blast! We went to a cute little beach inn down in Carlsbad, Ca. This was also the first time I've been away from my husband in the year and five months since we were married. I had to apologize in advance with the lady who would be sharing a bed with me if she woke up with me cuddled up against her. I also almost walked out of my apartment without any proper sleeping attire! Just not used to certain things anymore!

Honestly I feel like the whole weekend was revolved around me. The speaker, Melinda Scott, was speaking right to me and God was moving things that I know logically and believe in my head down to my heart. Its a freeing feeling when that happens. I had girlfriends in my room that were able to tell me if my blue flats worked with my outfit and I believe them, unlike my dear sweet husband (though he can pick out better outfits for me than I can). We had coffee, a pumpkin spice latte to be exact for my last hur-rah before having to go caffeine free, and chocolate from the Chocolate Bar. Hanging out in the hot tub giggling over silly things. Oh and then I (well, all of us) got an adjustment from one of our awesome ladies who is OC's chiropractor of the year! Did I mention the clothes shopping the week before with a few of the ladies?! There are just some things that a woman needs to do that her husband can't provide. It was a well needed refreshing weekend.

The theme/message was based off 1 Peter 2:9 "But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light."
There is so much I could go into to explain this but I don't think you want to stay up the whole night reading!
In it's basic form this weekend was to be reminded or to even hear for the first time that God has called us out, that we are HOLY, ROYAL and CHOSEN. We are beautiful and flawless in His eyes. BUT that we can't just sit there with it, we have been CALLED OUT to do the work of Jesus and proclaim His glory. 

I have an excellent God!

It was here in a flash and gone like that.

It all started with our trip to Israel. Ty and I had such a life changing experience in the Holy Land. We were on a discipleship tour with other young adults and seeing all of the places we read about in the Bible was indescribable. To have the stories of the Old Testament come to life changed what I once thought of as boring and dry. Not only did we see and study these places while we where there, but each one of us felt God move in our lives and felt a clearer calling on our future.

We got baptized in the Jordan River together and then Ty played the guitar while the others got baptized and prayed over. During this time I felt God's peace in the fact that we also started to try to have our own family. I took this as God saying I was pregnant. I got so excited but never shared that with anyone. I kept thinking of what an awesome gift it would be for our parents to come home with life growing in me, conceived in the Holy Land.

A couple of weeks later back home in the states, I start feeling sick. I realize I'm a day late and put 2 & 2 together. By Friday I still haven't started my period and really start getting sick at smells, which brings back a flood of memories to the last time I was pregnant. I knew this feeling and only have ever had it while I was pregnant with Cori. I try not to get excited but secretly I am. The weekend continues and I can not escape the smells as I spent both of Friday and Saturday at Comic Con in San Diego. A bunch of nerds in one area does not make a good smell (no offense but if you have ever been to a con you know what I'm talking about). Saturday rolls around, still queasy but also not feeling right down there. I continue on, a bit worried but also because I can't recall a lot of the beginning of my last pregnancy, I brush it off. This is where I beat myself up for the next month, though later I realize there was nothing I could have done to stop it anyways, as Sunday morning as I get up bright an early to go work at church, I realize I'm bleeding.

As quickly as it came, it was gone.

I entered a state of depression. Why this could happen to me of all people. The one who placed her first child for adoption all those years ago, didn't I deserve to have my own family? Why would God, the Author of Life, allow this to happen? My sweet friends tried to tell me it wasn't God and there may not be any reason at all, but I just wouldn't hear it. If I didn't have strong faith in God I believe this would have made me turn away from Him. In my heart I didn't like Him, but I knew that I would come to understand and God and I would be good again. I just needed time to be able to grieve. Though it took a good time for me to not feel stupid about grieving something I only knew I had for a couple of days. Its okay to grieve. It helps to have a group of people praying for you when you can't pray for yourself. Friends to support you and stand in the gap for you. If it wasn't for them I'm not sure how I would have made it out.

It took some time, but I made it through. I still don't have the answers I want but I'm afraid I'll never know until the day I meet my maker. Though through prayer and sitting and waiting to hear from God I am quickly reminded of the verse in John 10:10 "10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly". I hadn't even thought about what God told me in Israel, what he reviled to me about my future calling. The thief, Satan, did his job. Simple as that. I was so torn and angry at God I couldn't even see the obvious. Sometimes when things are so dear to your heart you get mixed up and can't see the big picture.

I pray that if you ever go through something you can't understand and blame God, please remember this and don't wall up your heart to the things of God.

A new begining.

This blog started on a whim years ago and I've barely kept up with it. Now I feel God is pushing me towards this again but with a more purposeful mind. No longer will I leave God out when I feel it isn't "pc". This blog is from my view point and that contains God. I've been searching for a space where there are other like me, but yet to really find it. I don't fit into a lot of mommy groups and I don't fit into a lot of birthmother groups either as I don't need healing from the pain, I'm not second guessing my choice, and my life has moved forward. I'm happily married and we are trying to start our own family but I do get panic attacks every so often when I think how she will take it. I know this has to be normal but NO ONE ever talks about it. So this is what this is about, LIFE after placement.